It’s no secret that many women are accustomed to putting their needs last. This isn’t a universal truth - some women have mastered the art of prioritising themselves - but for many, it’s a deeply ingrained pattern. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone.

Being in tune with your needs is a transformative process, one that begins with two essential steps: recognising your needs and honouring those needs.

The Impact of Societal Pressures

For many women, the struggle to prioritise their needs comes from societal expectations and experiences from when they were much younger. We are all learning to be in the world, ultimately to be accepted by others and survive. Young girls that are praised for being selfless, nurturing and accommodating often grow up into women who focus on others and often people please.

When the message is - your value lies in how much you can give to others - of course it would be natural to prioritise other people’s needs over your own. You know that guilty feeling you have when you prioritise yourself over others or you say no? That feeling can stems from this deep unconscious conditioning.

Society also often celebrates women who can do it all – a thriving career, happy family and incredible friendships. This further seeps into the narrative that you need to do it all and not ask for help. Many clients I speak to say working with me is the first time they have asked for help, and it feels really uncomfortable in the beginning.

Of course, this isn’t everyone’s experience, but I see these same pressures time and again with clients. I also have my own experience of this and although I knew I was independent and strong, I also couldn’t avoid falling into the trap of focusing on other people’s needs before mine. It was a learnt way of being that became my default.

If this resonates, please know you are not alone and you can break free from this. It involves reconnecting to yourself, being quiet enough to hear your needs and having courage to honour them. It’s about redefining how you want to be in the world, allowing yourself the space to be imperfect, to ask for help, and to say no.

The Role of Self-Worth

Before we go into how to actually recognise and honour your needs, I want to highlight an essential first step – believing you are worthy.

Honouring your needs requires you to believe that you are worthy of care, respect, love and being a priority. You need to know that you matter.

This can be challenging, especially if you’re mind has been programmed to equate self-worth with self-sacrifice. But the truth is, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You know the old saying, you have to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.

I want you to recognise how prioritising your needs isn’t just beneficial for you. It creates an incredible ripple effect and is beneficial for everyone around you. Instead of thinking prioritising yourself is selfish, I want you to completely shift your perspective and realise that you NOT prioritising yourself is actually selfish.

Reflect on the following questions:

• How would prioritising yourself positively impact others around you?

• If you felt your best self, how would you show up differently in your relationships/life/at work?

• If you felt truly worthy, how would your life be different? How would you act/treat yourself/talk about yourself?

Important: This isn’t about going the completely other end of the spectrum and ALWAYS prioritising yourself, NEVER caring about anyone else. It’s not about being at either end of this spectrum. It’s about being able to sit somewhere in the middle where you can do BOTH. It’s not that your fixed in one way but you can be fluid depending on the situation.

Recognising Your Needs

The first step in this journey is slowing down. In a world that glorifies busyness, slowing down can feel frustrating, but it’s essential. When you’re constantly go go go, jumping from one thing to the next, it’s nearly impossible to hear what your body and mind are trying to tell you. This is even more true if you’ve ignored your needs for a long time or you have no idea what they are.

Your needs often communicate with you in subtle ways and it can be something you feel in your body. Our bodies are incredible!! We all need to listen to them more and be open to their wisdom.

A tightening in your chest might be a sign of stress when you work late for the 5th day in a row, a heaviness in your body could be a sign that you don’t really want to go for that dinner you just said yes to, or a flutter in your stomach might be a sign that you do want to explore that new career even though it feels a bit daunting. The key is to practice tuning in and listening so that this connection becomes stronger, and you learn what it is telling you.

Tip: You might feel very disconnected from your body, and this may feel very new. Have a go at trying to connect and note if you are really struggling with this then you might need the support of a coach or therapist to see if something is blocking your connection.

To start recognising your needs I would recommend trying one of the following practices (or both!) – try it for 30 days and see how you feel:

• Morning Check-In: Each morning ask yourself - How do I feel this morning? What do I need today? How can I honour that need?

• Body Scans: Check in with how you’re feeling physically. Is there tension or tightness? Are you holding your breath? How is your breathing? Does your body feel relaxed? What sensations can you notice? You might do this in the morning or at points during the day (Find a time that works for you).

This is about developing a relationship with yourself, so your inner voice becomes louder – it realises you want to listen. This is a practice that deepens over time, be patient, it will blossom.

Honouring Your Needs

Once you’ve connected to yourself and started to identify your needs, the next step is honouring them. Essentially, this is when you go from thinking something to doing it. This is about valuing and respecting yourself enough to take action. It’s one thing knowing you need to rest, but it’s another thing to actually completely switch off from work, your to-do list and your phone and completely relax.

3 Important Elements of Honouring Your Needs:

1. Setting Boundaries
   Saying no can feel so difficult but remember every time you say yes, when you really want to say no, you’re saying no to yourself. Setting boundaries allows you to protect your energy and ensure your needs are met. Saying no isn’t selfish, it’s about self-respect. Think about where in your life you might want different boundaries to protect your energy.

2. Asking for Help
   You do not have to do life alone and you do not have to struggle through by yourself. Although you mind might be programmed to believe asking for support is a sign of weakness, I want you to open yourself up to my belief. I truly believe asking for support is a beautiful thing, it’s a sign you are willing to receive support and recognise you are worthy of others’ time and energy. On a basic human level of needs, we all want to be connected and allowing others to support you is a way to form deep connections.

3. Prioritising Yourself
   Now is the time to be proactive in how you approach me-time. This might mean scheduling time for a beautiful walk in nature or making space for a new fun creative hobby. Whatever it looks like for you, it’s about recognising that your wellbeing is just as important as anyone else’s.

Practical Tips for Honouring Your Needs

1. Create a Needs List
   Take some time to reflect on what you need on a daily, weekly and monthly basis to feel your best. This might include physical needs (like getting a certain number of hours sleep or going on a daily walk), emotional needs (like dedicating time each week for connection or moments for yourself), and practical needs (like time blocking your days for structure or a desk set up to work from at home rather than the sofa).

2. Practice Saying No
   Start small and know you can build this up. Where in your life would it feel easiest to practice this? Perhaps in a certain context, for example work, or with a specific person, for example your partner. The next time someone asks you to do something that doesn’t align with your priorities, needs and energy, practice politely declining. Find a phrase that feels good for you, it could sound like: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time”. Also remember that you don’t necessarily have to give a reason why you’re saying no.

3. Establish Buffer Time
   If your instant response is to say yes in situations have a think about how you can create some buffer time between being asked a question and giving your response. This allows you to check in with yourself first. I love to say, “I will check my diary and get back to you” or “I will have a look at my other priorities today and see if I have capacity for this piece of work, I will get back to you shortly”.

4. Schedule Me Time
   Block out time in your calendar for activities that recharge and re-energise you – you could have a look at your needs list to get an idea of what you need and how this can also go into your diary. Treat this time as non-negotiable! If someone asks you for dinner and you’ve blocked out me-time you can say no.

My Journey with Knowing and Honouring My Needs

My journey really starts in 2018 when I learnt to say no. My manager was always telling me “Elyssa you need to say no!” but it just didn’t come naturally. Instead, I enjoyed being helpful, it didn’t feel like a chore. It wasn’t until I was starting to feel completely overwhelmed and realised there was always going to be something else that needed to be done, that I finally found my no. Suddenly I was able to push back at work and it felt so good!

After this and knowing that I’m strong, independent and happy to prioritise myself I didn’t really think I had an issue with honouring my needs. BUT I realised that despite that, I was putting others’ needs before my own. It was my default way of being and I wasn’t even registering I was doing it.

I had never really thought consciously about what I need but as I did, I started to get more awareness of how I was forgetting about my needs in the process of focusing on others. I knew I wanted this to change, and it’s been a process of really tapping into and listening to my mind and body. Being patience, experimenting with honouring my needs and being committed to this change even if I’ve fallen back into old patterns.

I feel like a have a new lease of life now. For me, I never thought it was an issue, you might be feeling the same right now. But let me tell you it is so liberating recognising what your needs are and honouring them. Wherever you are at with this, I highly recommend spending some time reflecting on the following questions.

Reflection Journal Prompts

• What does worthiness mean to you?

• What messages have you internalised about putting others' needs before your own? Where do you think those messages came from?

• How do you feel when you prioritise others over yourself? Do those feelings align with your overall wellbeing?

• What might change in your relationships if you consistently prioritised your needs?

• What feelings arise when you think about saying no or setting boundaries? Explore where these feelings stem from.

My Encouragement to You

I really want to emphasise this isn’t always an easy task! Firstly, you might be going against societal norms and your conditioning, then you’re trying to connect to your inner voice which might be very quiet after years of ignoring it. And if that wasn’t challenging enough, you then need to honour your needs, set boundaries, ask for help and say no.

Yes, it can be challenging but it is so worth it! And you are worth it. Knowing and honouring your needs is an act of self-love. It’s a journey that requires patience, practice and a deep commitment to yourself. Understanding and prioritising your needs empowers you to show up as your most authentic self. I truly believe the world will be a better place the more we can be our most authentic selves. It creates such a positive ripple effect and shows others it’s possible for them too.

I feel so excited writing this blog and the journey you are going to be going on. Remember I have so much faith in you!! You are worthy and you’ve got this!

Book a free discovery call to find out how I can support you on this journey.